square one for a screw-up

some days the only prayer i can mutter is, "please don't let me be a screw-up my ENTIRE life"  
 
Depression crawls in and makes itself at home. 
the accuser whispers  "fail, fail, fail..."  and soon all that's heard is "fail, fail, fail..."

My first instinct when things seem to be unravelling in life, with my sons, in my marriage is to scramble to find the perfect answer or fix. Give me the solution! But, it's hard to even clearly see just what that might be with the repeated mantra running through my head, fail, fail, fail.  And I most likely have failed, after all. This would be the blog that never ends if I were to recount for you all of my massive failings as a wife, mother, daughter, friend. "Yes, it goes on and on, my friends."  I'm not looking for kind reassurances that I am not a total screw-up. It's just difficult to pull out of the sticky tar that I fall into with each misstep. 

That's just it. I can't pull myself out. When I want so badly to time-travel (quick, get me to the Orchid station) and start fresh as a mother so I can do it right this time, it's easy to get defeated. When I consider all the women around me who ARE doing it right and I can't seem to figure out their magic. When I'm stumbling around making a bigger mess in the name of fixing it. But God, in His love, wants me to rest in Him first. Before I wrack my brain for the perfect fix. Before I forget where He has already brought me from, messy life and all. Stopping to place myself in His grace should be the first instinct. 
 
The circumstances do not change and my depression doesn't necessarily leave, but I can have certainty that it doesn't have to  overtake me this time. The Holy Spirit is infinitely more wise than I. So, Spirit, go before me to do what I can never do in ways I could never think of.  Lord, help me remember and practice this, because I am so weak. And forgive me all my failings. 

You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.        
 Psalm 139:5-10 (ESV)