In my mind
I go back to that place again
In my mind
I hate myself again
Am I a man
who is that disturbing
I can't be
it can't be
But I remember it all
Prayer Chain SHIVER
Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah
I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah
The relief of absolute forgiveness is immeasurable. And weighty. Confessing my sin upon sin. Like the old clowns in a car gag, they keep popping out.
Wait, there's more!
So much more, when they don't have prettied up names and excuses. Take them out. Name the ugliness. The secrets. The hidden strangleholds. Watch their power dissipate as they're brought into the air and light, like vampires.
Thank God that He takes this weight of sin off these weak shoulders.
But, there's a second part, lest we forget.
and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
matthew 18: 32-34
I did not realize the treasure chest of trespasses that I kept.
Okay, maybe a little.
Okay, maybe a lot.
Keeping love locked up with them. In some ways, they were my defense.
Against more disappointment.
Against more tearing down.
Against more gutting.
Against more violation.
They served as my power and records to build a case.
They served my pride, quite well.
They served as barriers.
I confess my lack of forgiveness. And lack of sacrificial love. It has burned up in the pile of my own wickedness. Only now do I understand the impact of open forgiveness and love and grace lived out loud. And the need to give as I have received.
And getting sidetracked in 1988 on YouTube, helping me remember just how far back account keeping has gone.
So here are a few gems from my middle school days.
Boy Meets Girl Waiting for a Star to Fall
Breathe How Can I Fall
Enya Orinoco Flow
and a little rick-roll........Rick Astley Never Gonna Give You Up