Like Artax sinking in the swamp of sorrows. Total listlessness, body and spirit. No energy to push through.
My eyes are moving, but I can not make anything else go.
Maybe it's what the oranges suspended in my jello feel like, but that's an experiment for another day.
Sometimes, I'm Han Solo frozen in carbonate.
Frustration, anger, self-hatred, and hopelessness all balled up in the pit of my stomach. Depression is a reminder that we are body AND spirit linked. When I am physically unwell ( hello, postpartum hormonal shifts) it plunges my spirit to the bottom as well. Out of extended periods of stress, my body takes a huge hit and opens the door for more depressive episodes. And sin is a great destroyer of both.
Sometimes, there is seemingly no rhyme or reason for it's unwelcome appearance. But I know how the enemy likes to speak into it. He grabs the thoughts I've already formed. Wow, look at this one. Yep, you are destined for destruction. Here are your chains. Put them back on and let's go. You have no good in you. Life is hopeless. Nice try, stupid, but God doesn't really want you in his kingdom. He's rolling his eyes at you right now. Can't you feel his contempt of you? It's all so pointless. Start living for yourself. You are a worthless, hopeless, unloving mess. You've really done it now....no turning back. This is all there is.
Truth has to come creeping in. Whispering gently remembrances. (See: In Ruin/Rainy Day Woman)
Christ is there in the words. His hands under me as I'm drifting. Not pulling me out, but wading through it with me.
I can't see past the fog bank, but He does.
Let go. He is the sun breaking though.
God gave rock and roll to you. Sometimes all I can while riding the wave of depression, is press play.
There's goodness in there.
For your listening pleasure, click the song titles.
make me a disguise
Cause I feel black
From glaring eyes
Starflyer 59 I Feel Black
The road is hard, but
Paved with gold
My heartbreak on the floor
Cush Hands of Fire
Michael Roe Never Been Unloved/Bright Eyes
...and one for my dad, George Harrison Here Comes the Sun (live)
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.