Alice in Wonderland has been my home-girl.Learning to make myself bigger and smaller at the same time.
Small with warped body aspirations. Small enough to disappear. Small in voice, in demands, in requests, in fear.
Bigger in toughness. Bigger with a teflon coating. Big enough to deflect rejection and hurt. Bigger than need, than desire, than weakness.
Grit is my precious.
And if you try to keep us down,
We're gonna come right back!
"Cause we gotta be Hangin Tough
I lace up my Docs to be fight ready. Come at me, bro. Or I stay in my cubby hole, hiding from staring eyes that see right through me.
A girl who was rejected and used and rejected and used covered it with humor and song. Words wouldn't come, but songs would. Maybe that's why songs are tethered to my emotions and thoughts. I could sing/scream a particular Nirvana song(not ready to be that open in this forum, yet.I'll let you figure out which) at the top of my lungs when I felt helpless to speak and reveal my foolishness and weak posture. I could sing in my car all the anger I could not deal with( and didn't think I was allowed to deal with). And how many times did I wish to be a male, because this female thing was too hard.
I didn't want to be soft, but God needs me pliable.
Sitting in front of a God-sent counselor and saying (okay, maybe crying),
"I don't want to be weak!!!"
"But you are."
Mic drop moment
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
All That exhausting striving. And I consider my precious boys. I am soft for them. I am vulnerable for them. They cracked the ice castle I'd built. I thank God for them.
It's hard to love others when you're guarded and looking out for number one. I've seen the Red Queen staring back at me in the mirror. It terrifies me that she 's in there and what I've been capable of.
"Off with their heads!"
So, let me unlace my fighting boots and walk barefoot back through the rabbit hole. Where I can be hurt, but where I can love with God's love. I don't have to disappear, but walk with the covering of Christ's righteousness.
A little T. Swifty here- Mean
C'mon, I had to add Hangin Tough from the New Kids on the Block!
Hey, it's a teen idol kinda day, don't hate.
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Just a girl with the music turned up way too loud.