Mixtape

 Yeah, it's mushy love song.
Can I let you in on a little secret? Okay, not so little, because the hubs is a much bigger person than me. Stubbornly, I've just not been able to admit it openly. I would marvel at his capacity to live out forgiveness in situations I thought were unforgivable. Outwardly, I considered him a fool with some of these people. But inside? It humbled me, because it exposed my snotty, unforgiving, power-hungry heart. That hurt. And I wished to be more like that. Through twenty-one years, I have always known that his heart was more tender, more merciful, and more steady than my own. 

Perhaps,I could never understand his attraction to me and felt inferior. I don't know. Over-analyzing is a specialty of mine. But, just maybe some of that came out in pretending that I was better than. Look at me, babe.You made a really good choice. Watch me prove it. I'm a good wife, I'm a good mom, I'm a good Christian, I'm walking a moral line. All those other girls? I'm better, right? You need me, right? See how you need me? Because I'm better than you, right? Look how hard I work to keep it all going. Noticing this effort, here. Nah, I'm not keeping a scorecard. See me setting aside my desires for yours. Hey, I have enough Holy Spirit for us both. I'll be your moral compass, too. 

For a string of reasons, all entwined with pride, I have a bit of a problem needing anyone out loud.I didn't want to say that I need him, probably more than he needed me. That his love for others was tangible, making mine feel phony. That I always knew his tender heart made this ice queen shiver in fear. Now, he's knows I'm really not better. And I'm so humbled under his leadership and care and overwhelming, forgiving, merciful, heart-exploding, protective love. He's a beautiful father to our boys. Watching him pour effort into them is a thing to behold. They are blessed. And I can say that I am blessed, too. And my heart has melted.

I see you, babe, following the Lord. I see you, loving your friends. I see you giving of yourself. I see you, living out God's word. I see you being light, exposing me. I see you being the better parent and spouse. And I love you. And your love makes me cry. And I'm glad you're a fool. My fool.
Darn you. 

Here's a mixtape, of sorts, for you. 'Cause that's love.

​Journey Don't Stop Believin' (live)
From Mockingbird's September playlist.....Air Supply Makin' Love Out of Nothing at All  
And the song we danced to   Open Arms  another Journey gem 

I can't see so good through my teary eyes.
​So, Clay, go to Wearing my Blog on Sleeve for a nice surprise.

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