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So, You Think You Can Take the #Write31Days Challenge

Gulp!

Rehab or No Shame in my Game on Day 16

10/16/2015

1 Comment

 
They tried to make me go to rehab,
I said no, no, no.

Amy Winehouse Rehab

I should have done this along time ago.This counseling thing. Like, twenty-two years time ago. In the aftermath of devastation time ago.
But the stoic, stiff-upper-lip girl I am/was said no, no, no to counseling.
To asking for help to sift through the rubble.
And the confusion.
And the shame.
And the walls got bigger.
Because I thought I needed to be tough and that meant walking forward without a word.
Keep it secret, keep it safe.

Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade - it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart

Sia Elastic Heart

So, a pattern was solidified. My secrets and hurts being my personal possessions. A piece of my soul I was afraid to part with. What am I, but a weak shell without them? Measuring my accomplishments in tears sucked down. Wanting to be the one who doesn't need to ask for help, like all you weaklings.
Seriously, I don't respect your crying.

Tough girl
In the fast lane
No time for love
No time for hate
No drama no time
For games
Tough girl
Whose soul aches

Sia Big Girls Cry


The stubborn fear of being nothing, if not a self-sufficient rock of a girl. And slowly dying.
So, I went to rehab, of sorts. "Cause I snapped. Two decades and a heap of garbage later. Kicking and screaming and hopeful for relief. And the dam burst. A letting of a million things I thought I'd quietly dealt with. Nope. So, I'll tell you with no shame(well, come on, you know I still fear the kind of judgement I once gave out a little, but, whatever)
Here I am. A weakling needing a hand out of her self-sufficient mess.
There I said it.
And I don't respect all my own crying now.
Sorry, guy at Starbucks.
Thank God for my safe, loving, intuitive, grace-pouring counselors.
And I made need to start seeing you again, E, by the time this #Write31Days challenge is over.
The pressure!

Seroiusly though, if you're in our neck of the woods, before you snap(or after)....
Word of Hope Ministries
1 Comment
Judy J
10/17/2015 01:30:32 pm

My heart sings at the work God is doing in your life. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." John 8:36

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    Just a girl with the music turned up way too loud.
    ​Also crazy enough to attempt to #Write31Days.
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