They tried to make me go to rehab,
I said no, no, no.
Amy Winehouse Rehab
I should have done this along time ago.This counseling thing. Like, twenty-two years time ago. In the aftermath of devastation time ago.
But the stoic, stiff-upper-lip girl I am/was said no, no, no to counseling.
To asking for help to sift through the rubble.
And the confusion.
And the shame.
And the walls got bigger.
Because I thought I needed to be tough and that meant walking forward without a word.
Keep it secret, keep it safe.
Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade - it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
Sia Elastic Heart
So, a pattern was solidified. My secrets and hurts being my personal possessions. A piece of my soul I was afraid to part with. What am I, but a weak shell without them? Measuring my accomplishments in tears sucked down. Wanting to be the one who doesn't need to ask for help, like all you weaklings.
Seriously, I don't respect your crying.
In the fast lane
No time for love
No time for hate
No drama no time
Whose soul aches
Sia Big Girls Cry
The stubborn fear of being nothing, if not a self-sufficient rock of a girl. And slowly dying.
So, I went to rehab, of sorts. "Cause I snapped. Two decades and a heap of garbage later. Kicking and screaming and hopeful for relief. And the dam burst. A letting of a million things I thought I'd quietly dealt with. Nope. So, I'll tell you with no shame(well, come on, you know I still fear the kind of judgement I once gave out a little, but, whatever)
Here I am. A weakling needing a hand out of her self-sufficient mess.
There I said it.
And I don't respect all my own crying now.
Sorry, guy at Starbucks.
Thank God for my safe, loving, intuitive, grace-pouring counselors.
And I made need to start seeing you again, E, by the time this #Write31Days challenge is over.
Seroiusly though, if you're in our neck of the woods, before you snap(or after)....
Word of Hope Ministries