..sometimes the evil son...

i'm the evil one
sometimes the evil son
but the light goes through my door

-starflyer 59 through my door

So much more be stored in a carry-on than you'd think. And, somehow, with all that extra weight, TSA can't screen it out? 
.
I didn't expect nemesis to hitch a ride to paradise. But she hid herself well somewhere between my sneaks and sunscreen. Oh, condemnation, you sneaky devil. Come to spoil the fun, eh? To kill any anticipated relief? And sink us all.
 
Now, it doesn't color everything. But some of those beautiful pics? I'm sure mine aren't the first not to tell the whole story. The tears and insomnia and fear behind some of them. All the spiritual tension. I wonder if I'll even dare to publish this. 

The one person I have trusted and relied on over all others is the only one who terrifies me now. And I know this must be a place that God wants me in. For my mistrust of people spilled over onto Him. I could only trust me. Stood myself in his place. With a heart too deceitful and a flesh too weak to carry it off forever. 

 Condemnation breathes a little oxygen into the ember of terror until the licks of flames are saying.....

                                                                  This is who you really are....
                                                                          This is all of you.....
                                                                  You are the real enemy.....
                                                                      Laughter is gone.....
                                                                         Joy is not yours to have......
                                                        You have to pay and you'll never be able to pay........
                                           Accepting forgiveness? Selfish, selfish, selfish.
Penance, honey, penance. 

And even Hawaii morphs into a place of panic and death.
But His light shines through. Eventually. After much spiraling and stubborn wrestling, and ....not trusting. He loves those around me enough to send lifelines.To extinguish those flames with gospel truth. To turn the focus back to Him and the work that He has already done and is now doing. No, you'll never be able to work for it. And you are so uncomfortable with that. Why resist the easier yolk? Quit trying to put the impossibly heavy one back on.  Condemnation does't get to come back with you.
 
Repeat as many times as necessary.

Lay it down. 
It is finished.
 
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him.
 For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.
Psalm 103:8-14

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Romans 8:1( and I suggest reading all of chapter 7 and 8)

to be continued..

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